Friday, April 22, 2011

Mailbox Goodies

So, the other day I showed you the cover of a publication that I received, unsolicited, in my mailbox.

Let's take a peek into the contents of that catalog, shall we? It's unintentionally (I think, or else these folks are GOOD) hilarious.

First up - the Springy Hair Remover Thingy.

Has anyone ever actually used one of these? I had one of those epi-lady things when I was younger and it hurt like hell to use, on my legs. I think it ripped skin off in addition to hair. This looks like one of those minus the motor. Which somehow seems even more demonic - you're providing the power that rips the little hairs out instead of a battery or wall socket. Why would you do that to yourself? 'Without any redness or rashes'? I don't believe it for a second. Anything that pulls your hair out by the root is going to leave a mark, at least for a little while - have you never gotten a bikini wax? Remember the scene from '40 Year Old Virgin'? The blood spots? For realsies.

Next - the Neck Relaxation Cushion?

Aside from the fact that the lady in the picture looks just like my CEO's assistant (perhaps she's moonlighting?), this appears to be a thinly veiled prop for auto-erotic asphyxiation. Wrap it around your neck to 'ease stress'? Pump it up to inflate? This is better than a pillow over the face. 'Oh, your honor, I was just, um, trying to help her relax, see? I guess I maybe inflated it a little too much.'

Riiiight. Which brings me to the....

....Personal Massagers *snicker*

Come on. Let's call a spade a spade, shall we? They are VIBRATORS. I love how it shows someone massaging their neck area with it. Are you kidding me? I especially like the 'satin bubbles' one. I may or may not have owned something similar in a past life. *sorry Mom* The fact that these are offered in a publication that seems geared to the older folks gives me hope that not all is lost when it comes down to getting with the sexytimes once we've reached the golden years. Rock on with your bad self, G-Ma.

And then, because we know how humans regress as they age, I give you the Washable Big Coverup.

A giant bib to go along with the giant diapers that we will all be sporting while our home health aide feeds us mashed up chicken and broccoli, through a straw. Which, can I just tell you, skeeves me out to the Nth degree? I do not like my food to touch on my plate so the idea of mashing everything together and eating it makes my hands itch something fierce. Then I have to go wash them a whole bunch of times.

OCD - I has it.

Finally, and I saved the best for last (you're welcome), we have the 'Tummy Liner'.

Uh. Hmmmmm. 'Tummy' seems a bit, I don't know, light as a descriptor. But I guess that calling it what it truly is - a Meat Apron Maxi-Pad (TM) - would turn a few folks off and they'd sell a lot less of these.

I know the photo is not so great (stupid iPhone camera), but the blurb about it says that it helps 'prevent heat rash and FUNGUS (emphasis mine) that can develop under the abdominal fold'.

I'm sorry, did you say FUNGUS? How long has your nasty ass not taken a bath if FUNGUS is growing in your abdominal fold? I think that there are bigger problems to address if someone actually has a frigging mushroom farm in their fat flaps.

Although, if they've got truffles in there, well then maybe some sort of a win-win financial arrangement can be negotiated.

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