Saturday, April 30, 2011

Smells like....Victory

An easy bike ride to our local brew pub for the Flyers game.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Friday, April 22, 2011

Mailbox Goodies

So, the other day I showed you the cover of a publication that I received, unsolicited, in my mailbox.

Let's take a peek into the contents of that catalog, shall we? It's unintentionally (I think, or else these folks are GOOD) hilarious.

First up - the Springy Hair Remover Thingy.

Has anyone ever actually used one of these? I had one of those epi-lady things when I was younger and it hurt like hell to use, on my legs. I think it ripped skin off in addition to hair. This looks like one of those minus the motor. Which somehow seems even more demonic - you're providing the power that rips the little hairs out instead of a battery or wall socket. Why would you do that to yourself? 'Without any redness or rashes'? I don't believe it for a second. Anything that pulls your hair out by the root is going to leave a mark, at least for a little while - have you never gotten a bikini wax? Remember the scene from '40 Year Old Virgin'? The blood spots? For realsies.

Next - the Neck Relaxation Cushion?

Aside from the fact that the lady in the picture looks just like my CEO's assistant (perhaps she's moonlighting?), this appears to be a thinly veiled prop for auto-erotic asphyxiation. Wrap it around your neck to 'ease stress'? Pump it up to inflate? This is better than a pillow over the face. 'Oh, your honor, I was just, um, trying to help her relax, see? I guess I maybe inflated it a little too much.'

Riiiight. Which brings me to the....

....Personal Massagers *snicker*

Come on. Let's call a spade a spade, shall we? They are VIBRATORS. I love how it shows someone massaging their neck area with it. Are you kidding me? I especially like the 'satin bubbles' one. I may or may not have owned something similar in a past life. *sorry Mom* The fact that these are offered in a publication that seems geared to the older folks gives me hope that not all is lost when it comes down to getting with the sexytimes once we've reached the golden years. Rock on with your bad self, G-Ma.

And then, because we know how humans regress as they age, I give you the Washable Big Coverup.

A giant bib to go along with the giant diapers that we will all be sporting while our home health aide feeds us mashed up chicken and broccoli, through a straw. Which, can I just tell you, skeeves me out to the Nth degree? I do not like my food to touch on my plate so the idea of mashing everything together and eating it makes my hands itch something fierce. Then I have to go wash them a whole bunch of times.

OCD - I has it.

Finally, and I saved the best for last (you're welcome), we have the 'Tummy Liner'.

Uh. Hmmmmm. 'Tummy' seems a bit, I don't know, light as a descriptor. But I guess that calling it what it truly is - a Meat Apron Maxi-Pad (TM) - would turn a few folks off and they'd sell a lot less of these.

I know the photo is not so great (stupid iPhone camera), but the blurb about it says that it helps 'prevent heat rash and FUNGUS (emphasis mine) that can develop under the abdominal fold'.

I'm sorry, did you say FUNGUS? How long has your nasty ass not taken a bath if FUNGUS is growing in your abdominal fold? I think that there are bigger problems to address if someone actually has a frigging mushroom farm in their fat flaps.

Although, if they've got truffles in there, well then maybe some sort of a win-win financial arrangement can be negotiated.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Let's not get ahead of ourselves

In my mailbox today.

It's filled with all sorts of shit for the *ahem* more 'mature' individual.

How the hell did I get on their mailing list?

We all know that I'm nowhere near 'mature'. Well, mentally.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Saturday, April 16, 2011

For 'da Shawties

Annual Red Cross Walk
Memorial Hall, Fairmont Park

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Friday, April 15, 2011

The Grey Ghost

2003 Grey Ghost Late Harvest Vidal (and The Cable Guy)
Purchased for me by my buddy Walt at the producer way back in 2003.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Swimsuit Season

The cover is off!
Time to step up the workouts.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Spring is Springing!

Hostas are starting to come up!
In planters on the deck.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Silly Goose

This fella sees his reflection in the glass doors to my office building and thinks it's another suitor hell-bent on making time with his beautiful bride.

He is tapping his beak against the glass and I tapped back, but he didn't seem the least bit fazed.

I opened the door and invited him in, but he seemed a bit wary of the invitation.

Behind him is the pond where the koi live, and where his lady friend is grubbing away on grass, oblivious that her man is defending her honor so vigorously.

We have ducks too and a heron, but I've yet to see them make the trek across the drive and have it out with the entrance to our digs.

You go goose-guy. You tell that OTHER goose how it's going to be.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

A Feast for the Eyes (literally)

A 3-fer today. Lucky you!

These photos are of the array of snacky s'mores that live in the kitchen on the second floor of my work. It's (literally) less than 50 feet away from my cube. There is an identical setup on the 3rd floor (aka 'The Nerdery' (TM)). What you can't see are that the drawers are filled with every kind of gum you can think of, as well as tic tacs, lifesavers, mentos, and altoids. We also have drawers stuffed with all different types of power bar-type stuff.

Everything is free. FREE. Can you imagine?

It calls to me, the chocolate bars sing showtunes, just to me. 'Eat me, you know you want to. A little never hurt anyone. Everything in moderation.' (I know that's not a showtune. Shut up.)

The candy bars don't understand that I was raised with the 'if a little bit works, a lot has to be GREAT!' mentality. Seriously - ask my mom about the time I burned up my 100 sq ft lawn with an entire bag of Weed and Feed.

Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to walk in here and just get a cup of coffee and not cart half the stuff back to my cube? Seriously - I could put ear hooks on those glass candy jars and wear them around like feed bags.

It's a good thing we have a gym here.

It's not a good thing that I haven't actually used it in almost a year.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone